There are two ways in which we can look at our fellow man, they are either guilty or innocent. We can either see them as innocent and deserving of our love or we can see them as guilty which demands punishment.
In truth the only appropriate response to a verdict of guilty is punishment, to offer forgiveness can only be seen as insane. It is to offer pardon for something that is clearly unpardonable. We cannot forgive while clinging to the guilty verdict. How can we respond to our fellow man with love when we see them as guilty? To even come to the judgment of guilty we must believe that it is our place to be the judge, which entails that we are also responsible for the punishment.
Forgiveness is not about pardoning an act for which punishment is required. Forgiveness is about reversing the verdict. To attempt to forgive while maintaining the guilty verdict is to attempt the impossible. It is to give lip service to forgiveness with no intention to forgive. True forgiveness is to see our fellow man as innocent, to choose again to correct the error rather than ignore or forget it. To view our brother as innocent is the only way in which to find peace. It is also the only way to truly love them.
In relationships we start out innocent, we meet someone new that we have no history with and therefore we have no guilty verdicts against them. We can see them as they are, wholly innocent and loveable. Then as time passes and events happen, there are times that we feel hurt by that person. If we make the choice that our partner has committed a crime against us then we will see them as guilty and will look for the evidence to prove ourselves right. These start out small (they ignored us at a party or they missed an appointment or they didn’t care that our feelings where hurt). At first its no big deal, we seem to get past them, yet all the while we are filing these events away for future reference as evidence against them. As time marches on then the list of guilty judgments grows and gets stronger and the punishment must become more severe as well. As long as we look for guilt rather than innocence then our experience around our relationship cannot help but become more and more stressed and painful. We get to the point that when we look at them we only see someone whom is guilty. This makes it impossible for us to experience our love for them, and impossible to experience their love for us. At this point the relationship needs to either be reborn or severed. It seems to me that most choose the latter or they may stay in the relationship while being separate inside.
If we choose to renew our relationship then we will need to correct the errors where they occurred. To do that we will need to look back on our experiences and reverse the judgments we made. We need to look back on all the crimes that where committed against us in the past and see them differently. Only when we come to a verdict of innocent can we move past them and regain the love and acceptance that we had at the beginning. Only then can we understand true forgiveness, only then can we find peace, love, and happiness.
This is also the main reason that we are attracted to new relationships over our current one, because we see in the new person their innocence, and it attracts us. Yet if we cling to the belief that it is our place or job to lay judgments their actions that then it does not take long until we have enough evidence that their guilt outweighs their innocence and the cycle continues. It comes down to what you want, do you want to experience their love and innocence and be at peace and in love, or do you want to see only their guilt and be at war. The choice is yours, I choose peace.
I only understand how this works because I have done and am continuing to do this in my relationship with my wife Cheryl and others. I here and now will make a vow to myself and all who read this that whenever I find myself not at peace in any of my relationships that I will go back and search my mind for guilty verdicts and reverse them to innocent.
Special note: In doing this exorcize for myself I found that often if not always that the guilty verdict that I was clinging to was a verdict against myself rather than the other person whom I thought it was against. Innocent is the only verdict that works because the guilt we place on someone else is always and one in the same as the guilt we place on ourselves.
By Kevin Burroughs.
